he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
