I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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