Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize