bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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