so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
