my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
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