I cannot find my penis.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Randomize
