first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize