My sheets look like a crime scene.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Randomize
