Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
