Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
