she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize