So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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