It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
