I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
