the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
