I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize