This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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