There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
