Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
