I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
