his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
