There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
