Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Randomize
