Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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