my phone needs a breathalizer
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
