im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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