The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize