Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
