I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
