The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
