theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
