fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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