i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
