remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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