BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
