Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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