just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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