So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
