I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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