I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
