someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
