The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
