She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
