Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
