I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
