The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
