Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
