The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
