I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize