The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
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