just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
