How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
