I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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