fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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