If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
