I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
