I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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