This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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