I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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