I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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